I said I would take a break from triathlon after the Ironman World Championships in Kona…and I will…but I know AT SOME POINT I will HAVE to do another Ironman. WHY? Because I feel like I failed at my last race. Not because of my time or my age group place…I wasn’t expecting to place high at the World Championships, I was TRULY grateful just to have qualified and am proud of myself and understand that just being there was an honor and a great accomplishment.
Here is where the problem lies…
I let the race beat me mentally. I had a much harder bike leg than I anticipated and by the time I got 10 miles into the run, I had talked myself into walking most of the remainder of the race, convincing myself that running wouldn’t really make a difference since I knew I would finish well under the time cut off even with walking the entire 2nd half of the run.
And it worked, I finished in just over 14 hours (cut off is 17 hours), and was happy I finished since it was a long, hard day. I was proud of myself for being there, but I did NOT give it all I had. I cannot honestly say I gave it everything, that I did all I could do that day, that I left it all out on the course…and 3 weeks after the race, that isn’t sitting well with me at all.
I am a big proponent of the Four Agreements. The fourth is “Always Do Your Best”. And I do in most areas of my life on most days. So when things don’t turn out exactly the way I want them to, I am fine with it because I did the best I could at that given moment.
But on Saturday, October 11th, I did NOT do my best, I did not give it everything I had, and I want to. I want to make it up to the sport, to pay respect to the race, and to KNOW in my heart and soul that I gave all I could in that situation on that day.
I know some of my besties will tell me I am being too hard on myself, but I also know that my tri geek peeps will totally get where I am coming from. I appreciate and need both groups of people in my life.
I am grateful for those who challenge my type A, 3 on the enneagram, perfectionist tendencies so I know that what I do and how I perform don’t make up WHO I am and are the only basis’ for how much love I deserve and receive.
On the other hand, I am also thankful for those in my life that make me feel like I’m not the crazy, OCD, addict and can get behind my decisions and fire me up when I need a little extra energy to move toward my goals and dreams.
I have for sure learned a lot about myself from this race and this experience and will take it all so that next time I can finish knowing I gave it ALL!
If you haven’t watched my race report, here it is…
Thanks again for being in my life!
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