This is the first time I have gained weight and not freaked out!

This is the first time I have gained weight and not freaked out!Yay! Progress!! I mean, I’m not HAPPY about it, but I’m not fantasizing about extreme diets and ways to lose this extra 5 pounds I gained this past month in a day.

It took me a month to gain it and it shall take me a month to lose it. I think that’s the correct commandment right??

This actually surprised me! Not the gaining weight (I just spend 3 weeks traveling, mostly on the road, not sleeping enough, and prioritizing other things), but the time it took me to stop beating myself up and the sane solution I came up with to lose it.

In the past I would have been “yelling” at myself for at least a week, stopping only to buy the ingredients for my favorite of all cleanses, The Master Cleanse, and then promptly dropping everything else I had planned to fit in long sessions at the gym.

Luckily, this girl is maturer (is that a word? Apparently not because there’s a squiggly red link under it) and wiser (for the most part) and instead “yelled” at myself for one day, made a trip to the health food store, loaded up on all my favorite foods, and scheduled in a couple extra workouts throughout the week AROUND what I already had planned! Now THAT is progress!

Intellectually I have known since 8th grade that it takes 3,500 extra calories to gain a pound and a 3,500 calorie deficit to lose a pound. A 500 calorie deficit each day can lose me a pound a week and easily by the end of the month I will have lost the pounds I gained. This is healthy and gradual and requires only small changes to my diet/exercise regime. This is a “normal” and “sane” way to handle weight gain, this is a “healthy” way to lose weight.

My problem is that I don’t trust myself, that I don’t trust what I know I KNOW. My emotions tell me a different story. My anxiety takes over and the next thing I know, I TRULY believe if I don’t stop eating altogether and double up my workouts NOW, then I will never lose the weight and I will be stuck in this disgusting fat body forever.

Then I panic, then I eat, then I cry, then I work out, then I am tired so I eat more, and then I repeat until I am too exhausted to go on. In the past this will typically repeat for about a month…the same time it would have taken me to CALMLY and SANELY lose the extra weight, sans the intense inner struggle, drama, and self-loathing that scars my heart and soul every single time it happens.

HOLY CRAP! I am exhausted just thinking about it! I don’t know why this time I reacted differently, I don’t know what has changed in my life (finally after 30 years) that caused me to trust what I know, to trust science, and to trust that I will be okay for the next month as I get back into a regular and moderate eating/exercise plan, but whatever it is I am GRATEFUL that I finally love myself enough to be gentle and compassionate with the most important person in my life.

Hope you all find that as well…

That’s all 🙂

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