Every time I post a picture of Coura on social media, I have somebody comment to “cherish this moment” or something similar. It’s probably my fault because I only post the totes adorable pictures of her and avoid posting the ones where she’s blowing a gasket or needing to eat every 45 minutes for 45 minutes, but I’m not really sure I want to treasure all of these these moments.
A month from now, I may read this and wish I would’ve paid more attention and appreciated the point in time more, but for now I’m ready to start feeling like me again.
Next month, I may change my mind, and regret writing this, but right now I can’t figure out what moments I would want to embrace. Is it…
- The fog I’m walking around in day and night?
- My constantly sore nipples?
- Being too big to fit into even my maternity clothes?
- All the fluids leaking from me nonstop?
- Having no energy to give to anyone, including my baby or my boyfriend?
- Wishing she was asleep because I’m too tired to play with her?
- Feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing?
- Crying for no reason?
- And then crying even more about something stupid?
- Not having the time or energy to even organize her room, which she’ll eventually want to be living in?
- Staying inside because it seems like too much work to leave the house?
- But then going crazy because I haven’t left the house?
Are these the moments I should be cherishing? Because to be honest, I’m so tired that even if all these memories were great memories, I don’t think I have the capacity to enjoy them.
Yes, when I look at her she melts my heart, and she is pretty damn perfect. She’s a part of me and I love her completely and unconditionally. But I will still love her just as much in a month or two, when I’m a little more rested, I have my shit figured out a little bit more, and I have a glimpse of hope of having enough energy to laugh when she does something funny or play with her after she eats instead of hoping I fed her enough to fall asleep on me so I can get a quick nap in.
As I write this I feel like a horrible mom wishing she would be just a few weeks older so that we can be a family sans headaches and tears, but it is what it is, and I am who I am, and these are the feelings I am feeling.
I know this is a lesson for me to live in the moment, and by default, it’s all I can do, so thank you universe for forcing it on me.
And I know I am allowed to live in the moment while also being excited for my future. It’s like I learned in recovery: I can work on being better while accepting myself as I am.
And of course I will go on doing my best. Taking care of Coura and loving her with every cell of my being. But I will also be looking forward to the day when I am holding her just to have her in my arms and give her love instead of to feed her and hope she falls asleep after.
Until that day, I will be open to the advice from the hundreds of moms who are wiser and more experienced, and I promise I will do my best to cherish this moment, right here, right now. I promise.
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